it's for real, it will happen

The struggle to stay alive

I wake up, and question myself. Why am I here? I do want to die, so who am I living for?I try to visualize the future, and all that is is a world of pitch black, where hope has no form and happiness has no place. It is this suffocating sense of the non existence of a future, the reality that is too bleak and colorless that accompanies each and every day. The vibrance of the world, the stark contrast to the lonely soul trapped within me does nothing, nothing at all but make me feel worse. Do not, do not tell me how beautiful the world is, how precious life is. Do not, do not tell me how lucky I am, how much happiness there should be in my life. Last of all, do not tell me all the tens of thousands of others amongst the 7 billion destructive beings on this planet who has a way more miserable life. I know. I already know, I already told you. How many times do i have to repeat? Yes, I am not a starving African child. Yes, I have parents. Yes, I have education and a house to live in and food to eat and clean water to drink and everything so what else do I want?? Go ahead, take that all away from me. The thing is that is ME, and i feel like this because i am who i am and i did not choose it. Do you think i chose to be miserable, because yes, indeed, i enjoy it really much?It happens, even the richest billionaire on earth might not feel entirely happy. Happiness is not defined by material substances, remember? That kid in Cambodia, she might be poor  but she is happy because she is able to see light, she had parents who love her and kids who play with her, she does not have that black veil of dread and hopelessness shrouding her, she does not have that thick impenetrable glass keeping her from reaching out, leaving her incapable of feeling and seeing what everyone else does. This is the stark reality of life... i consider myself dead. so i dont care what happens, i can do whatever i want. I am dead... what more do i have to loose? if i get to jail or anything, i shall tell myself, on 23 August 2012, you already died. now you are just living the empty shell of a life, up to you how you want to toss it around... it doesnt matter