it's for real, it will happen

The struggle to stay alive

I wake up, and question myself. Why am I here? I do want to die, so who am I living for?I try to visualize the future, and all that is is a world of pitch black, where hope has no form and happiness has no place. It is this suffocating sense of the non existence of a future, the reality that is too bleak and colorless that accompanies each and every day. The vibrance of the world, the stark contrast to the lonely soul trapped within me does nothing, nothing at all but make me feel worse. Do not, do not tell me how beautiful the world is, how precious life is. Do not, do not tell me how lucky I am, how much happiness there should be in my life. Last of all, do not tell me all the tens of thousands of others amongst the 7 billion destructive beings on this planet who has a way more miserable life. I know. I already know, I already told you. How many times do i have to repeat? Yes, I am not a starving African child. Yes, I have parents. Yes, I have education and a house to live in and food to eat and clean water to drink and everything so what else do I want?? Go ahead, take that all away from me. The thing is that is ME, and i feel like this because i am who i am and i did not choose it. Do you think i chose to be miserable, because yes, indeed, i enjoy it really much?It happens, even the richest billionaire on earth might not feel entirely happy. Happiness is not defined by material substances, remember? That kid in Cambodia, she might be poor  but she is happy because she is able to see light, she had parents who love her and kids who play with her, she does not have that black veil of dread and hopelessness shrouding her, she does not have that thick impenetrable glass keeping her from reaching out, leaving her incapable of feeling and seeing what everyone else does. This is the stark reality of life... i consider myself dead. so i dont care what happens, i can do whatever i want. I am dead... what more do i have to loose? if i get to jail or anything, i shall tell myself, on 23 August 2012, you already died. now you are just living the empty shell of a life, up to you how you want to toss it around... it doesnt matter

If you had three wishes what would they be?

I only need one. One is enough.

Do you wish you’re dead?

No.

I don’t wish I am dead. For me to be dead implies that I would have to be living before I could die. And essentially translates that it would and would have affected the people, all of them around me when choose to end my life. No, I don’t want to do this, to them, to myself.

I wish, I had never existed.

To the stars and beyond

today's night is wispy
my vision is misty
ethereal wishes soar
light and free
breezes blow
thoughts flow
the scent of death
perfuming the air
sweet as sugar
cold as ice
ahead looms a figure
glinting red eyes
a hand he raises
scaly and coarse
yet with ever so much grace
though his voice hoarse
pretty as a petal
steely as metal
he beckons me forward
and so i follow
but not because i'm cornered


the world beyond tempts me ever so
the alluring promise of no sorrow


i know where i'm going...

To the stars and beyond

what if
I wanted to kill someone?
I know murder is never right
nothing justifies taking another's life
not hatred, not revenge



what if
she robs your mind and steals your heart
day and night because of her you cry
and you can't run away
no matter how hard you try



what if
the only way to end your pain
is to take away her life?
the moment she ceases to breath
you will be free



I know this is bad
that I am evil
and probably mad
yeah, maybe I AM the devil



but what if
the person I sought so long to kill
is none other than me?
what if,
the life I've wanted so desperately to end
is mine?






it's never right to take someone's life
I've always known.
so
the life I am ending is my own.

Maybe one day things will be better

 I dream of a place that has never existed

It's gonna be too late 'cos when i say 'Bye' i mean it

 This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, love to complete your life.

I will one day

 I don't cut my wrist that's why you don't see :[

Which is good, because I don't want you to. Mom say she will call the police if she sees, but I won't let her. And she should know it's no use 'cos nobody can save you from yourself!

I don't know who I am anymore

this is sad, so, so, sad... slipping away into the unseen, sinking into the bottomless pit, not seen, nor heard... never again will I see the sun rise, or hear the sweet calming melody of the song... notes dangling in midair, somewhat frozen into place... nowhere to land and immobilized, the beautiful voice encased in the hard solid ice... the sun sets and one day it might not rise, now I see it for myself  with my own eyes... the last glimpse of light I caught, swallowed by the entity of darkness overhead... the looming sense of dread approaching, pressing down unto the lungs never ceasing... saturating the air with cold and fog... drawing the life out of me...I gasp for air and suffocate, pain is like a neverending chore... the only life I ever had... and that is slipping away too, out of my clutches... don't you say I didn't try, don't you say I didn't fight, all this while I struggled to cling onto the last ray of hope, yet you took that away too without a look, I ain't got no time for no hell, I ain't got no time to get well

 Ok, guys, I know. This world is covered with an incredible variety of @ssholes. But anyway, some good vibes (not that I give a damn about those creepily positive rubbish)  if I say it's raining cats and dogs in my life right now some freak will be bound to say 'LEARN THE ART OF DANCING IN THE RAIN!' Like I am sooo eager to get myself drenched, am I? And I have to suffer side effects I.e. a bad cold. These people obviously don't have a brain. Their logic is rain→shine whereas mine is rain→more rain→thunderstorm. Now we can't deny either of this can happen, so why slam the label of 'pessimist' onto me? So, yeah. Don't assume that you're a sloppy optimist entails that you should convert all others into someone like you. Life just isn't for everyone, thank you very much.

Those who loved me... or at least those I felt loved around... they aren't supposed to talk to me , and they are 'bad influences??? What sort of logic is this? My parents claim to love me, ok, I'm not them, I will never know what they truly think, maybe they do or maybe they don't , but it's a fact I don't exactly feel like someone worthy of living when I'm around them. All they do is remind me of how much of a burden I am to them, by saying things such as "Do you know how much it costs to raise you up, you ungrateful brat" or "If you want to die then go. Go ahead. Don't spread your crap throughout the family." Hey did I ask to be here? Did I? I did not, right??? Did I say, "Please will you bring me into this world?" You wanted me, you wanted a child, so you gave birth to me. Since you wanted me, you have to accept that you have to raise the kid, right??? Is it a very, very, unbelievably huge favor, that I, who have not had the chance to choose whether or not I lived, is now relying on you to live, because you want me to? Because I can't provide for myself yet? You say all this to me, and when I sought out others, who may not be as noble a saint as you, to comfort me and treat me the way I should be treated, like a child, and not be expected to shoulder the weight of everything upon myself, you say that they are the 'bad ones' and you are the ones whom I should talk to in times of need. If this is a joke, then it's a pretty bad one. You are the primary cause of the troubles and woes I have, the reason I even need to sought out other people to care in the first place. When you yelled at me, threw things at me, hit me, THEY were the people who sung to me, told me not to cry, and reminded me that no matter what, tomorrow the sun will rise. They were the people who held me, and genuinely made me feel that I'm not unwanted, and I'm loved, even if just for a moment. If you care, then SHOW it. Don't just say using your mouth that you care, I can't cut open your brain to see if that's really what you're thinking. If you don't actually give a damn, like what your actions and words portray, then stop insisting that you do because evidently you don't. May I ask when is one time you ever took me out and spent time alone with me, WILLINGLY, without me asking(not that I do often) in the past years? Have you even helped me washed anything before? Even when you cook dinner for me you have to make it sound like I owe you the universe. Yes I do. I mightn't be able to repay you, but if that's what you want maybe I can live solely for the purpose of repaying all the debts I owe, so that both parties can die in peace, I, knowing that I do not owe you a single fking thing, and you, knowing that you got back your money. If it's all about money, and the precious time in your life that you wasted on me, then it's pretty easy to settle. Now that I am old enough to realize I do have a choice over my life, whether or not to live, I would like to tell you that I do not owe you my life. Yes you might argue that my life is "given" by you and henceforth I shall cherish it, but do you even know the definition of 'give'??? To give means that something is no longer yours, and you have no control over it. It now belongs to whoever you have given it to. For example if you give a box of chocolates to your teacher and she doesn't like it and decides to throw it away, does it concern you? You have no say whatsoever on it, and no right to interfere with whatever she wants to do with that box of chocolates, because you GAVE it to her, its now HERS. Get it? Stop being ignorant fools. Stop it. Just stop. You can hit me all you want, I inflict enough pain on myself too, but can you please stop using words against me. It's brutal, and you're just destroying me. And you claim to love me? Nice joke.

my days are numbered

The ultimate considerations

I've only considered some methods, others are totally out of the way.

Poisons/Chemicals (e.g: KCN, Rodenticide, Arsenic Trioxide, Chlorine, Hydrochloric Acid [concentrated], Alcohol Poisoning [>70% alcohol concentration])

Commom household chemicals contain enough toxic substances to be lethal but more often than not they are mixed up and are mostly acids, which are gonna hurt a hell lot when it burns your alimentary canal after ingestion. Desirable substances that are known to be one of the "best" methods, like KCN (Potassium Cyanide) are extremely hard to obtain. Hence for 12½ years olds like me, drop the idea.

-not too sure about minimum lethal dosage
-obvious as suicide (concerns regarding insurance)

Jumping/Falling from height (building, bridge... anywhere higher than 46 meters on land and 76 meters on water will do)

-obvious as suicide
-affect house prices (if it's from a HDB flat)
-may cause trauma to passersby
-poor police clearing up my mangled body (they probably don't give a damn about bloody scenes anymore since they have seen so many cases of such stuff but to counter the belief of "selfishness", I would like to spare a thought for them)

Hanging

-might be painful and high risk of failed attempt, if not done properly
-might end up brain dead if rescued before ultimately dead
-I heard it takes really long
-I don't know where to hang from... someone suggested doorknob. I don't have a ceiling fan
-rope snapping... I'm fat
-how thick should the rope be?
-what knot to use&how to tie it?
-hanging corpse is a horrible typical suicide pose
-house price gonna drop ( I don't know where else to do it other than in the house... the woods? Yeah. I've considered it before, from a tree. Credits to The Hanging Tree and Aokigahara Forest )
-I'm scared to go alone into the woods

Exsanguination (bleeding to death)

Hell yeah I actually like this but I'm a chicken person I will faint if I see so much blood... cut wrist or cut throat uh

-slow
-painful
-hell low success rate
-typical teenage attention-seeking behavior if I live
-bloody blade is slippery and hard to hold on to
-horrible bloody scene for family
-again, if I do it at home, house price will drop
-obvious as suicide

Drowning

***CAN BE MADE INTO AN ACCIDENT***

-painful [lungs will first feel like it's on fire]
-pretty slow, a couple of minutes of torture before slipping into tranquility
-I don't want my body to be found, so I want to sink I will need to hoard rocks and heavy things to the sea
-more convenient to do it at home, but gonna be obvious and house price~
-if fished out early corpse will be OK but... if I'm going to the sea then... I will be a bloated up balloon

Pills

-low success rate
-attention-seeking feat, as with wrist slashing
-takes a long time
-gonna be found in the middle of puke
-lethal pills like barbiturates are hard to obtain
-needs additonal methods combined (i.e. plastic bag, alcohol,helium)
-apparent suicide
-house price...

Strangulation/Suffocation (Apart from hanging,which I've already mentioned)

Plastic bag

-hard to make it airtight
-must be combined with other methods
-survival instinct>I will thrash around subconsciously and even if I'm unconscious I can rip the plastic bag off my head
-might be found before dead
-apparent suicide
-house price

Helium

Where the hell do I get a helium tank and how does the friggin thing work


Vehicular Impact 

***can be made into an accident***

-no use thinking about trains, now all MRT platforms have safety barriers
-getting driver into trouble for nothing
-high chance of ending up in the hospital crippled instead of the morgue









Ok... This is about it. I've thought about murdering someone or smuggling drugs, then getting the death penalty, but few kids are executed nowadays plus I don't want to kill people and I have no idea where to get hold of drugs.

Hey I have a Wish

Hey I have a wish
You just needa give your wand a swish
I don’t want to waste my breath
I said I wished for death
No, I’m not being a drama queen
Nor is it in any way related to being a teen
Let me fall asleep and never wake up
Then my existence will cease to disrupt
My family I had wanted to poison
I thought maybe I would never be forgiven ( probably )
Getting arsenic mailed causes suspicion
Or maybe some meds I could have stolen
The simplicity of an ending I once believed
Now I know ain’t that easy achieved 
Don’t say I’m a coward
‘cos ‘tis just the life that flowered
You can insist otherwise
My reaction shouldn’t be of much of a surprise
With you I haven’t needed to put on a disguise
Yet you turned out just the same as the others likewise
Don’t judge till you’ve worn my shoes and walked a thousand miles
I really wanna make you be happy so I’d give you all smiles
Chill! In the end everyone dies
Before that maybe give me some fries ( I love potatoes! )
Maybe also use your knife and give me a slice
You know to me it’s a prize
Life is a game that's hard to play 
It will still happen one day so why delay
Here in this lonely night I pray
Soon in the casket I might lay
To all my dearest it’s okay
I had chosen it to be this way
Fine you can call me an ungrateful brat
I won’t let that in any way distract
I will still carry this out with no regret
I’m no longer going to live staying trapped
I’m sure now you’d just despise me further
Well in this universe I’m just an observer
Whoever created humans made an error
Live any longer, in other’s life I’m just a terror
I know you guys all hate me 
I’ve accepted all ‘cos that’s true presumably
Though nowadays, not like I care
I’ve sunk down to the bottom of the well of despair
In me there’s a really huge tear
Of it I reckon I’m aware
It’s just that I’m not sure where
Anyways, it’s already too late to repair
I know this world is unfair
Fairness is actually indeed rare
But you know, humans just like things to be fair
It’s a trait we all share
There's no way my family and I can coexist
Hence why death I insist
The concept of ceasing to exist
Society has long learnt to resist
Instead this very idea I embrace
It drapes itself on me wherever I go, soft as lace
Once I’m gone everything will be erased
Just like I hoped, I will leave no trace
Things gonna hurt at first but time will heal 
Really, isn’t all this ideal?
Maybe it’s just me
But that’s how I want things to be
In life all that I kept to myself in a seal
I cannot, and do not know how to bring myself to reveal
You’re right my heart is made of steel
To me though it’s no big deal
After I’m gone I won’t be worried
In death the truth will forever be buried



Dedicated to no one in particular

Jerry sorry for my shut down :l

To be, or not to be

To be, or not to be, that is the question—
Whether 'tis Nobler in the mind to suffer
The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,
Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep—
No more; and by a sleep, to say we end
The Heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks
That Flesh is heir to? 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep,
To sleep, perchance to Dream; Aye, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes Calamity of so long life:
For who would bear the Whips and Scorns of time,
The Oppressor's wrong, the proud man's Contumely,
The pangs of despised Love, the Law’s delay,
The insolence of Office, and the Spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his Quietus make
With a bare Bodkin? Who would these Fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered Country, from whose bourn
No Traveller returns, Puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have,
Than fly to others that we know not of.
Thus Conscience does make Cowards of us all,
And thus the Native hue of Resolution
Is sicklied o'er, with the pale cast of Thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment,
With this regard their Currents turn awry,
And lose the name of Action.





- Hamlet

Dear Anupam

Now you might have gotten your device but soon I won't be using my phone anymore ( By the end of today ). I might take a leave for really long, but I do hope I can make it back. If I am around we can use EP or you can email me. I will miss you. I sent my love to everyone who has been with me on EP or here. Sincerely thanks.

Regards
Eileen

Update.

Hey Anupam

Where are you 'cos I've gotten back my phone and I haven't heard for you for really long, and maybe not to you, but it's been eons. Thy holidays are here now, I'm completely miserable and stuck at home. Think imma rot. Hope to hear from you soon

Before I go

Dedicated to my parents, Written for all the caged birds out there

The caged bird sings through the cold metal bars
The notes of melancholy echoing on the distant Mars
Its melody voicing the freedom it will never have
The calls for rescue reaching only the ears of the seemingly deaf

The caged bird sings through the cold metal bars
The notes of melancholy echoing on the distant Mars
The tune speaks of its heart filled with bitter pain
As it tried to free itself but in vain

The caged bird sings through the cold metal bars
The notes of melancholy echoing on the distant Mars
With wrath for the mortal and the iron it sobs
Beneath the crimson red plumage its heart throbs

The caged bird sings through the cold metal bars
The notes of melancholy echoing on the distant Mars
Its bleak eyes reflecting the soul laden with hate
Hunched and contorted under the weight


The caged bird sings through the cold metal bars
The notes of melancholy echoing on the distant Mars
One day finally arrives as it dawns
A path to freedom in which it acts on

The caged bird sings free of the cold metal bars
The notes of  joy echoing on the distant Mars
Out into the tranquil night sky it soars
It has finally let go of the semblant ever-lasting inner wars

The caged bird sings free of the cold metal bars
The notes of joy echoing on the distant Mars
The happy bird doesn’t realize all that it sees is illusive
The truth is hard to postulate for the long-held captive

The caged bird sings free of the cold metal bars
The notes of joy echoing on the distant Mars
The happy bird doesn’t realize no element is sempiternal
The truth is the harsh mortal world has never been eternal 

The caged bird sings free of the cold metal bars
The notes of joy echoing on the distant Mars
The happy bird bathes itself in a deception of bliss
The truth is it is tumbling down the unseen and unheard abyss 



Thud.



The caged bird sings free of the cold metal bars
The notes of joy echoing on the distant Mars
The roses are bleeding and the sky is crying
The wind howling and the happy bird dying

Oh fuck you holidays

The irony. So, it's a week away from the friggin June holidays. I bet if you're a normal kid you'll be like " OMF LET'S CELEBRATE IT"S FINALLY THE HOLIDAYS MAN!". Unfortunately, as you might have known, I am not quite typical, so my reaction is " OMF WTH??? GODAMMIT! THE FKING HOLIDAYS! HELL NO ". The reason for this stark contrast is the fact that my home actually resembles an asylum. That is, you're supposed to be happy there but you end up having a hard time maintaining your sanity. When your parents have gotten some water into their head it's a rather difficult job to savage them. Then your mom has got to be a bxtch and your dad is a bastard and you're like " Quick get me out of this hellhole before I die ( which is highly likely to be the case that I depart prematurely ) ". One such situation is 

Me : Peacefully reading a book
Mom : Comes home from work
WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS READING THOSE GODDAMN BOOKS OF YOURS??? *Takes book and flings it across the room*
Me : Red with fury 
Can you have some sense? Stop being a bitch! *Attempts to walk over and pick up book*
Mom : *Grabs me and tries to rip it from my hands again*

Horrible fight taking place...

Me : Gives *I-surrender-now-can-you-please-shut-up-and-stop* look and tries to walk away into room
Mom : *Yells like a banshee and tells me to not be a rude and ungrateful brat and stop right there*

More fighting...

Mom : *Goes into room, phones Dad and sobs to him*
Me : *Left with a bruise and a gash, takes the chance to go to room while wondering whether Mom should consider going to IMH*

Above is a brief description of the sad, pathetic and miserable life of Eileen at home. Hence this explains why she would rather stay in school permanently 24/7 rather than go home, where she might go crazy herself. She is currently very disgusted by Mr Yeo, her mentor, over an eminent catastrophe he has caused. She shall elaborate more in the next post regarding the collision of two worlds because Mom is now screaming at her to go out for dinner. She says goodbye to whoever is reading this and wishes you have a nice day. 

Roses are bleeding
The trees are swaying
The sky is crying
The wind is howling
The ground is caving 
I am dying

I like the places outside the auditorium

I think the rainbow panels and light reflected on the walls and floor is pretty ( and it's nice and quiet )

Honeycomb hexagons

When you got really shit grades and your table decides to mess itself up and contents pour out of your bag and you are not in the mood to tidy it up