:(

It's been a while since the
last post. Well, I don't know how to put it but if I was lost before, I'm even more lost now then. Too much happened. That day I was really close to catching the bus, like really, really, close. It's got to do with my parents. As usual.
My family is just so fucked up. I don't know what to say. To sum it up, we had
a big, big fight about some stupid shit. I wasn't exactly too pleased with them
and they weren't with me either. So we just started screaming at one another,
and my dad got so angry he wanted to strangle me. And he did. My aunt was
horrified and pulled me away into my room to safety and locked the door so that
my dad couldn't get me in the meantime. And I was traumatized and bawling like
a two-year-old. It took me a day to become sober again. To get on with my life.
To eat. To sleep. To bathe, and get my homework done. I had school the next
day. As I sat down in front of my desk, I was in a dilemma. Do I really need to
do all this work? I was scared, and I can't control myself. Unconsciously, my
thoughts wandered to the open window in my room every now and then.
"That... is ultimately the best way out", I thought. Since I am going
to die, then what is the need for me to complete my homework? I probably can't
make it to tomorrow. I was already standing at the edge of the cliff. One step,
just one step more, and I will be free... All I needed to do is walk to that
ever-so-inviting open window, and soar. I don't need to do much. It's simple.
Yet, however much you think otherwise, it does help. It solves the problem. For
me, at least.







This led me to question the
meaning of my existence. It's scary, how in a matter of seconds I will just be
a memory. What is meaning of life? What am I born to do? Is there any logical
reason behind all this? At that point of time, everything in my life seems to
be devoid of meaning. Yes, maybe a decade after I've passed on, I may still
exist on this world as memories, possessions, etc... But what about 100 years
later? Or a thousand? I am sure by then I will completely cease to exist. Or
even in just fifty year’s time. I don't guarantee the lifespan of those who
know me. Or rather, if anyone will remember me at all. They probably won't. So
what is the point? If one day we will completely cease to exist anymore, then
what are we still living for? Whereby ever since I was old enough to comprehend
and question everything around me, I had asked myself this, pondered about the
answer... if there is any.







Back to me sitting at my
desk. Tears streamed down my face as I thought of all the horrid and unpleasant
events that has ever taken place in my life. Why am I having to tolerate all
this? I decided, that I don't have to. I have every right to end my life. That
isn't selfish. I , have no obligation whatsoever to consider the effect on the
people around me.  Not like they will be
too affected anyway. So, that's it. I am going to do this. I kept everything
away, and tidied my things up. I walked towards the window. Hey, I'm doing the
world a favor. You had wanted me dead anyway. I'll fulfil your wish. Be happy
like you ought to!







Almost there... I looked
out of the window. Cars zoomed past. People walked on the streets. Perfectly
normal people who   live perfectly normal
lives. Maybe they’re on their way home from work, eager to be in the comfort of
home. The warmth care, and love their families give them. Family. The word in
my mind’s eye was something I dreaded, something cold as ice and hard as rock.
Warmth, care and love is the last thing that I’ll use to describe “family”. To
me, at least. Or maybe they’re simply heading to the supermarket for some
groceries. The kids coming home from school. Yet here I am. I forced myself to
smile. I can’t be scared! I’ll free in a second. :) 







But I never got to do it.
To take that step. My aunt came into my room. She told me she’s taking me out
for a movie. I can’t do it at the moment. I went out. I came back feeling less
terrible. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel… That day. Things might get
better. I don’t know. It may be train. I don’t know either. For now, I’ll try
to believe it’s not.

da Vinci Week 1 - SkyGreens

*.* beautiful

Yeah, so our school has this program(or module) namely da Vinci. I think it's some research thingy, but anyway although we have to stay back for it we get to do loads of fun stuff like workshops, projects, designing and frequent field trips. The only cons is that we have to do a stupid shitty da Vinci reflection after every da Vinci which is kind of a boring, time-consuming chore with no benefits whatsoever unlike what they have claimed that will help improve our memory blah blah blah... I have no idea how the hell to actually get about filling in most parts of the reflection sheet so I either lifted from the brochures and notes they gave us or simply scribbled some crap. But anyway, like two weeks ago we went on a field trip to SkyGreens and we learnt about vertical farming and all it's benefits, e.g. : low water use, low energy use, high yield etc etc... We toured the farm and OF COURSE, I took some photos!!!

The vertical farms... They look pretty high tech... Lucky farmers, they don't need to work under the hot sun

The greens are sooo pretty

:D

wow wow wow

T_T

Gloomy back Sunday. As usual, I have with me a poopload of homework. Math and Biology and Chemistry and English and Japanese and Mandarin. Oh my... I am going to DIE doing all this shit... I think they actually forgot, we're TWELVE-YEAR-OLD KIDS!!! -_-||

私は私の人生をあきらめている

人生には希望がありません... 死が出唯一の方法です。人生の意味は何ですか。私はこの悲しみから抜け出すことは決してありません...

Eminem-beautiful

...↓

Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world, where they can be alone
Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through?
Are you reaching out for me, and I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fucking depressed, I just can't seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
I'm starting to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen
Up and try to make an attempt to vent but I just can't admit or
Come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap, I need a new outlet
And I know some shit's so hard to swallow, but I just can't sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact: I'll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I'll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you'd have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see what it's like to be me
I'll be you, let's trade shoes, just to see what it'd be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each other's minds
Just to see what we find, look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor, everything's so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature of the room just as soon as
I walk in, it's like all eyes on me, so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation like I want that
I'm not looking for extra attention, I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room, maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don't need no fuckin' man-servant, tryna follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack and half of 'em ain't even funny like, "Ha!
Marshall you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, goddamn!"
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down? Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes and you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles

Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves and flip 'em, don't expect no help
Now I could've either just sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I'm placed in, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
And sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid, even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me "Keep making that face it'll get stuck like that"
Meanwhile, I'm just standing there holding my tongue trying to talk like this
'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen "Stop" sign pole at 8 years old
I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no mo'
But I already told you my whole life story not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sittin' is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile in each other's shoes at least
What size you wear? I wear 10's, let's see if you can fit your feet

To my babies: stay strong, daddy'll be home soon
And to the rest of the world, God gave you them shoes that fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em, be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny, never let no one tell you you ain't beautiful

Kyle Spratt - Suicide Note

Staring at my food but I can not eat it
Laying in my bed but I am not sleeping
Crying in my room and I keep it top secret
Because people tell me they care but they do not mean it
I'm cut open, even though I am not bleeding
My heart's broken, so I'mma make it stop beating
Someone runs in the room and screams
"He's not breathing!"
I'm rushed to the hospital to have a doc treat it
But he cannot beat it, there's no time at all
Cause I just popped some pills with some Tylenol
And 3 bottles of antidepressants, and Sambuca
40 ounces, got killed I didn't puke up anything
There's no use in pumping my stomach
Cause I'll just do it again
I'm a lost cause, so fuck it
Everyone with grudges towards me is gonna love this
The smiles on their faces when my death goes public
Cause I'm killing myself
Taking matters to my own hands
I can't picture myself as a grown man
I don't wanna grow up
I hate change and everything's just so rearranged

My life's nothing but a disaster
And time keeps going by faster
But in a second all that shit won't matter
Fuck this I'mma kill myself

I act happy
But I wanna die, I'm not gonna lie
Thoughts of suicide keep crossing my mind on a regular basis
Going crazy, cause I'm going through bullshit on a regular basis
Look me in the face, I'm sick in my eyes
Cause I'm sick in the mind
I've been wishing to die ever since I was 9
This isn't a lie
I don't bitch just to whine
Or bullshit just to rhyme about it
I don't cry just to spit
Just to try to guilt trip
Cause I could give two shits about your pity
I ain't trying to get everyone to feel bad for me
I'd rather dis everyone and make y'all mad at me
I ain't a happy person and I ain't that liked
Not even by myself
I know I ain't that nice
But people don't understand how much I hate my life
Cause if they did they'd know how bad
I want to take this knife and be

Killing myself
Taking matters to my own hands
I can't picture myself as a grown man
I don't wanna grow up
I hate change and everything's just so rearranged

My life's nothing but a disaster
And time keeps going by faster
But in a second all that shit won't matter
Fuck this I'mma kill myself

I quit, I'm bailing, I'm done
I finally give up
I'm sick of failing, I'm done trying to live up
To the expectations everyone has set for me
And trying to explain shit to myself
Always questioning about my destination
Fuck my destiny
No more relationships
My friends are all dead to me
My head is aching, and I don't have any energy
I'm patiently waiting for the day that I can rest in peace
And this medication is the reason that I don't get no sleep
It ain't worth taking
So I just take some ecstasy
Then hear my friends
"You're an retarded fuck up."
Maybe killing myself will
Make you retards shut up!
Cause I only do it once in a while
At times when I forget how to fucking smile
I hate being belittled when y'all act like you're
Looking out for me
If you were looking out of me then
I wouldn't about to be

Killing myself
Taking matters to my own hands
I can't picture myself as a grown man
I don't wanna grow up
I hate change and everything's just so rearranged

My life is nothing but a disaster
And time keeps going by faster
But in a second all that shit won't matter
Fuck this I'mma kill myself

When the time comes
I'll be crying then
I'll have to get a hold of myself
Call all my friends, and say goodbye to them
Then get high and then call up all my friends again
And say goodbye again
And cry again
Stop crying- smile
Find a pen, write down some last words
Somebody will find them when
I'm in Heaven looking down on them
Or who knows?
The way shit's been going- maybe Hell, looking up on them
But either way I'm watching
I'm waiting their reaction
Suddenly someone walks in
Wait they ain't laughing
They read it and start crying
They actually do care
I'm shocked, I can't believe they're sad that I ain't there
They miss me
Man what a horrible mistake I made
And I can't take it back, it's way to late
If only I could relive my life
I'd re-make this song
Rewrite the hook and it would be like...
Life's shit
But I'm taking matters to my own hands
I can picture myself as a grown man
I wanna grow up, I can deal with change
Even if everything gets rearranged

Maybe my life's a disaster
And time keeps going by faster
But now I can see all that shit don't matter
Fuck that I'mma live my life!

^If. If only i can get around to doing this. I will NOT regret.