From the Razor to the Rosary

The sea called for me, its whispers wavering in the breeze.

“Hey child! Here you are again. Have you made your decision yet?”

“Sorry, I haven’t still. You can blame me for clinging on to a glimpse of hope too much.”

“That life will get better? The crap those humans without any good intentions tell you?”

“I know I should be ashamed of myself, but, yes. Maybe, just a little. I am sensible enough to know it is pretentious and false to a large extent – part of the effort to preserve lives so that more will suffer on Earth.” I hung my head. The words came out barely audible.

The sea heard it alright.

“Glad you know that, my dear. I hope you sober up soon to realize that it is completely and utterly false.”

It has been a year. I still can’t make up my mind between the two allies – life and death.

The Reaper is so close, yet I can’t reach out to him. He doesn’t seem tangible. His soothing, yet cold and steel like voice rang clearly in my head, his silhouette in the distance beckoning to me.

The breeze turned into a gale, the wind howling in my ears and whipping at my hair.

Sue pushed me from behind, as I inched closer and closer to the waves lapping onto the shoreline. Cat pounced on me and slid her long fingernails over my skin, leaving behind yet more wounds on top of the scars already lining my arms. Meanwhile Deb tries to reason with me in her usual monotonous chant and sweet, convincing, sing-song voice. I could feel her breathe down my neck. “…but you know, Eileen, the world doesn’t have a place for you. Your existence was a mistake! There really isn’t any hope in your life. Why not just go where Sue has been trying to take you?”

“Just hush for a moment, Deb. I am trying to, can’t you see that? Give me some time. You know I am not as brave as Sue.” I said flatly.

“Good that you know it,” Sue snapped, “hasn’t this always been your wish? To reunite with you family down there? I really don’t get why you are so hesitant. She sighed and finally let go of me, plonking down on a rock a few meters away.

Cat came and gave me two more lines. They were deeper this time. Blood trickled down my battled arm. Who have I been battling all along? Myself.

“That should hurt,” I winced and tried to feel pain, at least even a little. But I can’t. That place feels numb. It’s as if I was devoid of nerve cells.

“Do you need it to be deeper?” Cat offered, brandishing her nails.

“Hmmm. Sure. Thanks.”

I held out my wrist. Cat dug into my skin, slicing it apart. More blood trickled down, staining the sand beneath a hue of red. All I felt was a slight sting. Sigh.

I guess I am just too used to pain, be it physical or mental/emotional. It’s like now I have immunity against it. They don’t get to me anymore. It’s mere tear of the flesh and loss of an insignificant amount of blood – I won’t feel. Deb is my guardian. She won’t let anything hurt me anymore. I have built a shield, a wall – isolating me from the rest of the world.

They can never hurt me again, not anymore.

I don’t really mind Deb’s words much, now, too. She’s just conveying the world’s message to me in words. Words that I can understand. It’s facts I can’t run away from. Actually I can, like what Sue wants me to do – go back to the fallen angels. I guess I would, soon. Deb and the rest can kill me, in fact they already had, on the inside. All I have left to destroy is my physical body. It isn’t really that hard. Part of me is already dead – my soul have long perished. I’ve just got to destroy the physical, that’s all.